Updated: Nov 5, 2020
ON REACHING THIRTY
Getting into the car this morning
orange Mini, the best of British industry,
pulling out the choke handle
leaving a useless gadget in my hand
and a machine which is idiosyncratic enough
to expect nothing less but an immediate repair.
I can do that. I did.
On the same day, twice, both within an hour
seeing an old lover in two different parts of the city
letting the pinch of regret leave some mark
acknowledge the pain and allow its fluid
to seep through and rest on the bed rock
of my resolution, my awareness
and then, only then,
to liberate a little smile onto my face
no malice, merely recognition
even beyond forgiveness and any such superior crap
simply accepting that this is how it is.
I can do that now. I do.
On the A52 to Nottingham
returning from the north,
several miles before the end of a 500 miles journey
stopping the car
and letting through the tears
for a dead pilot friend
eight years in a grave which was never found
somewhere in the dunes of Sinai,
and remembering that that last flight was his first night flight
and remembering that he was afraid of the dark.
Loving him so
and feeling angry with him so
for not letting on to his fear
and dying for it.
Loving him because of the anger.
I do this now. I must.
My birthday party.
A room full of people
initially all they share is acknowledge of me.
(I have made love with 5 of them
in the last 8 years.)
Each carries something of me with them.
Most of them have not met before
now they mingle, perhaps make mental comparisons
try and work out the reasons why.
Later I sit up in bed and make lists.
Who of these people will I want to see again?
I make such choices now. Living with a man
living in his house
writing this in the room where his daughter used to sleep
whom is no longer here
whom he will see in a day or two after months of separation
who will sit across the room from him
lowered eyes and mouth full of accusations
hating him so for loving him so
and he, this man
must find a way to live with that
to survive every moment of rejection
and still maintain his love for her
his belief in her love for him
never to hate or reject her
and at the same time
not to learn how to love the pain
remember that he is a man
loved and loving
and that he deserves more
so much more.
I love this man. I can now.
Having made a choice
having re-dreamt my home
and began my journey towards it
in backwards steps
at a pace that seems so minute
as not to exist but in my imagination,
and still being in exile
choosing to remain in limbo for a little longer
learning to love it
to take pride in such a choice
no longer the refugee, cowering in the corner of the room
but the explorer
straight back and fierce eyes
I do this now. I can.
I could have been so many people
I have been
I made films
I wrote novels
I built backgammon boards
I made falafels and sold them
I worked in a radical bookshop collective
I made a living out of photography
now I care for people and get paid for that
it all adds up
and there is more to come.
I am this man.
with the wild flowers which will cover the desert
for a brief day after a winter of much rain,
carpets of colour and thin petals,
my sister, with garlands around her neck
marrying a man
finally leaving home
starting another branch of the clan
another line for later mythology
our childhood play slowly becoming contained in memories
her laughter lifting me up
on a sofa many years ago
wrapped in blankets
holding microphones and singing to the world
wanting to be beautiful and famous.
We are now.
I want to wake up for many mornings
on a side of a hill
and rub my hands in the soil before breakfast
feeling the early sun warm my back
the fresh air filling my lungs
traces of the sea wafting through
knowing that this soil has been fought over
and that we all lost someone here
and still not understand why
still feel choked up with anger and waste
but accept the old blessing
'in their death they have given us life.'
I no longer have a choice. This is how it is.
My grandmother in a picture on my bedroom wall
guiding me from beyond the grave
with wise sayings, now uttered by her daughter, my mother
and later I will too learn the same words
to continue a tradition which has survived
more then any historian can ever research.
I recognise and love my place in this.
Learning how to ask for what I want from friends.
asking Thom to share my bed on the night of my birthday
and falling asleep almost immediately
no longer afraid of my own fantasies
being able to offer and accept warmth
knowing I have it to give
and deserve it to receive
no longer wasting mine and others' time
with arguments of what is right and what is wrong.
I am working on this one. Working hard.
Talking to my father on the phone
once a fortnight for more the eight years now.
Seeing him maybe once a year.
We could have bought a little plane with all that money. The changes in the tone
he, less demanding, listening more,
me, more giving, clutching the outstretched hand
occasionally stumbling and falling over:
sometimes he still doesn't realise he is asking fro my love
and is surprised when he gets it.
I can be a son now. A father in the making.
Thinking of my mother
with a heart that widens and a soul which laughs
her love warm and nourishing
seeing how she has learnt to live with her pain
and perhaps even accepted it
no longer expecting me to make it better
doing it for herself now
leaving me room to love her and learn.
early fears of old age hover.
Will that be hard?
Will I be repelled?
Will I care out of duty and not love?
It cannot be perfect.
The conclusion is somewhat vague
the intention has to be read between the lines.
Working from the belly
intuition, the informed heart
using prayer and any other form of available light
to skip from one moment of inspiration to another
and enjoy the lulls in between just as much.
And loving it all more and more. And more.
Autumns with no lover
to dedicate these moments to
are sad, very sad.
BETRAYAL ON THE EDGE OF THE FIELD
I have betrayed one or two people who love me.
Often I let you down.
Often I can not give.
I write this and pain swells my veins.
I sit on the edge of the field
I listen to the loud din of the city rising above the
hill. Above me grows an autumn tree,
its branches bare and thin.
I look further afield and watch
the indifferent moon, on the wane.
The wind is gently beckoning to me:
grow, grow, grow.
So, I have betrayed four or five people.
To what does it all amount?
Has the tree stopped growing?
Will the skies stop moving?
Have we seen the last of the sun?
I AM NO BETTER
You disappoint me
why else do you think
my life is strewn
with an assortment of figures
why else would I have a need
for them if it wasn't
for your inability
to forgive me for who I am
and support me to become me
rather then continuously
for being me
and for ever disappointing you
in not being better than you.
You know what?
Maybe it doesn't really matter
that you don't approve of who I am
maybe it isn't important
that I shall never have your understanding.
You tell me
that I have too much pain
but when I try to tell you
how I came by it
you shield off and disappear
behind your nervous fear
and I'm out in the cold again
It is not that it is your fault
it is not your fault
no one person can be that important
in anyone's life
and I don't expect you to do anything
apart from being a witness
to my emergence
Here, we both have a second chance.
When she appears
naked and glowing
I can stretch my toes
thinking of selfishness and the flight of birds
but when she is covered
with thick damp rubbery
layers of eternal fat
I feel sharp and low
and even the birds hold their breath.
A year ago,
my first thought upon waking up would be of her,
Now I wake up and wonder
whether I have enough time to do
a load of white washing in the washing machine
before going to work.
The television needs repairing, again,
and I only bought it last week.
still, some things don't change.
I still rub myself to sleep,
and sometimes to wakefulness.
THE METAPHORIC CRADLE
You had an open invitation
you came when you wanted
often it was on meal times
I shared out what I only cooked for myself
and didn't ask
for how long
just smiled when you came
and hugged when you left
and that was okay.
you felt comfortable
you basked in the metaphoric cradle I offered you
you enjoyed finding out about my differences
you felt safe within my calm
a place you could come into from the storm
which your life had been
I feel itchy with this cradle
my arms are beginning to twitch
I want the metaphoric to become physical
and the cradle to become a bed
suddenly you discover
that you don't want to give to me
you withdraw with fear
you had an open invitation
and for a while
my house stands empty of you
and I in its midst
aching another loss
and everything else
and the poison seeps deep
and all is red with anguish and regret
in the morning
like the flower
uncurl my petals again
you had an open invitation...
FINDING GOD AND NEARLY LOSING TWO LOVERS IN CUMBRIA
I really thought I lost you
somewhere along the path.
Just a moment before
I sat and watched the water fall
the white of the fuming drops
as they descended with their languid rage upon the rocks
not angry in particular at anyone
not trying to prove a point
but gushing all the same.
The god of my childhood comes forth again before me
telling me I am not really alone
never will be
it was always a question of waiting a little longer
all this in the water fall
while I was sitting with my back to you
with my back to the path
being sure of your presence
who began the journey back
the journey home
being so sure of it
like the child who knows mother is there
by that chair
or in that room
and will come if he calls
learning to play alone
knowing he is not alone
so was I
letting myself go
in those turbulent drops that brought calm and stillness
liking it like this
but with your presence firmly behind
slowly moving towards home
towards the same place I knew I will be heading too
in a minute
letting the tears and the joy build up
but not needing the release of crying or laughing
knowing that I could hold it in like this
let something stronger blossom
later in the warmth
registering every little movement
each line leaving its black mark
drawing with a certain hand a picture
a gem, a seed, a plan.
And then, moments later
recalling your smell suddenly
carried by a rash wisp of a wind
turning my head and wanting to find you there
and not finding you there
ready to go home
and beginning the journey
turning corner after corner
thinking, it will be the next one
and still not finding you there
and still feeling good, oh so good.
And the god of my childhood is with me
the one that appeared sometimes in the morning of 1967
before the war
but not much
as I was sitting on the doorstep of the kindergarten
waiting for them to come
for all the kids to come
my dad has just gone to work
and it has been going like this for months now
every morning he leaves me here
on his way to work
he works so
and doesn't realise that the child he leaves behind
on the doorstep
is stifling a tear
again fearing the long wait
an hour before they all arrive
all the other children
whose fathers do not drop them at the doorstep
an hour early because he has to go to work
he works so
and he loves me so and if he only knew
just what his 5 year old son
has to do to survive that cursed hour
surely his heart would break
but his little boy
and dreams away and prays and prays
till something is heard
something opens and he is not alone the god of story telling ascends
and it begins
and by the time the playgroup leader arrives
a respectable lady by all counts
what she sees is a little five year old
face bathed with tears
but glowing eyes that are somewhere far away
in a land of their own
where all is the same
And by the time I reach the car
and you are not there
you who were ahead of me along the trail.
The same god reappears and nods with a smile
we have been here before boy
just tell me another story
I can only hear the answers
if I ask the questions.
The policewoman was reassuring with her professionalism
their age, where they live
do they know the area
was it a difficult terrain.
Was she smiling to herself
when I told her they were guided by a blind dog?
And where are you from, sir?
The glacial man behind the bar in the Red Lion
answering questions with nods and grunts
absorbing my anxiety with his indiff